I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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