am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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