Are we in a gay sports bar?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
