Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
