We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
