Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
