Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
