I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
