i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
