I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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