Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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