I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
