trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
