Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
