Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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