New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
