Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Welp...herpes.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
17 year olds will be the death of me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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