Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
