I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
