I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
