Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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