It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
