I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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