the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
