I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
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you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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