Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
