did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
