Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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