A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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