my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
