First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
