oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
