I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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