I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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