I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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