Pants 0. Shit 1.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
