"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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