My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
