then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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