By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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