I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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