Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
