if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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