I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
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