I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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