My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
