My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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