Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
