I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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