my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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