The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere