I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate