Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
