found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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