Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
