Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
